Why is it so hard ?? Crying alone are better :)

Oh my god , I don't think this can work anymore .. I just lost my strength for looking at them .. I'm not strong , I'm just a normal person .. Maybe someday , I'll get a BETTER person .. That's what everybody told me .. They're not in my shoes , that's the reason they can talk easily .. BUT me ?? I can't think further .. I made mistakes , I shouldn't give myself HOPES that will not be mine .. I want to leave all the memories , I just can't .. I'm pushing myself into a DEEP HOLE that fill with love that only exist in my mind .. I shouldn't ! Allah , give me strength , only for 8 more months .. I promise myself if I don't stop myself from falling in love again , I'll let myself away .. That's my promise .. Love is supposed to be fun memory , not like this ! Hiding love from somebody I care :( I can't see THIS anymore .. Please stop it ! I can't take it anymore ! I'm pretending ? Whoever can survived theirs lives like me ? Who else ? I hide it DOWN DOWN DOWN deep in my soul .. Where nobody cares .. How I wish you would feel the same way .. But it's just a WISH .. It's not coming to be reality .. I've to accept this kind of life , loving from far away .. But it's just unfair for me .. Hanim , let it be .. You're strong , remember that .. All this while , you've been sacrifice for them , you'll get DOUBLE .. But if not , you have to change to a new life ... Like years ago .. I'm crying inside , so that nobody knows how was the WAR in my heart .. The WAR did break my heart , break the blood capillary and I think it's the time for me to go .. Away and away .. Not be seeing them again :) Please make this feelings go away as I care about him so much and I want him to be happy even it's not with me .. It's okay if I'm crying alone in the dessert so no one will hurt me anymore :) Love to see his smile never stop till my breathe start to stop :D